A long time ago, in the evil, evil Kerry Packer headquarters, there hid a nasty, little Slimer which took advantage of Mr. Packer’s uncivilized behaviour. Kerry Packer, one of Australia’s esteemed mafioso elites, having the patience of a pit-bull and the intuition of a dung beetle, would summon his staff by calling them and abruptly stating, “ Kerry Packer here, come to my office.” Then terminating his calls with the same finesse as his introduction. Of course, such refinement and empathy inspired immediate attention, and those who chose not to obey his laws a pink invitation slip would greet them following day.
The resourceful, little Slimer took advantage of Kerry’s unsophisticated ways and put it to use by creating his very own staff filtering system. It would call journalists and staff members impersonating the God-dung Himself. When the oblivious staff member promptly reported himself to the Dung-ball’s chamber, he would be greeted with foul language followed by a pink slip.
Word travelled quickly through the evil headquarters, but no one was brave enough to tell Mr Dung the truth. Staff chose to live in fear over facing the evil master in person. If the fake dung beetle called and the journalist chose to follow through the request, they risked being fired. If it was the real dung beetle who called and the journalist did not proceed, they also risked being fired. Quite a conundrum. Soon enough, after several staff reshuffles, the Slimer achieved his goal and was never heard of again.
For some coincidental reason, the recent poltergeist activities occurring in the federal Parliament House prompted this old phantasmagorical memory to appear in my head, again. And is it any wonder with all the paranormal activities occurring on a daily basis!? Lights switch off and on at the most inopportune moment. Alarm bells are sounded just when the rapefugee panic gripped the pollies. Ghost hatters are hacking into pollies servers. And an innocent staff member who was prancing around the corridors of the parliament very late at night, minding his own business, suddenly got possessed by an evil entity which turned him into a serial killer forcing him to strike an elderly senator and drawing blood! Could there be naughty, little Gremlins or Slimers living in the air ducts of the Parliament House or is this entity something more sinister? And what is its end-game? If I worked there an unregistered nuclear accelerator sure would sound mighty appealing. My advice: learn to meditate and purify your souls as you never know is God appears before you and asks, ” Choose the form of your destructor.”
For some months, I have been successfully losing weight using the “sensible Australia dietary guidelines”. The process has been slow, and if I’m honest with myself, designed for failure. Don’t get me wrong, I held my ground, but I understood its temporary nature.
More recently, however, a friend of mine recommended intermittent fasting, which then developed into the Keto diet. Initially, I scoffed and dismissed both to protect my feelz and diet program narrative, but Youtube’s subliminal messages worked their magic. A single view prompted more recommendations, and then another and so on and so forth. Soon enough my observing turned into applying. Science and logic always win me over.
To cut a long story short, this dietary lifestyle is taking off in Australia like a loaded B52 itching for a bombardment mission – a diet revolution in the making. It rejects lobbyist derived government recommendations by spraying sugar witchcraft with MTC cold pressed extra virgin oil. It shatters everything we understand about food and health and exploits nature’s loopholes. They say truth always rises, but it always seems to be Western science which always soars and catapult civilization into a new reality. Keto is the diet wheel re-invented and there’s no stopping it.
So, anyway, this got me thinking …why not apply Keto and fasting principles to our fat, sluggish governments? Keto would do them a world of good. Imagine an efficient team working for the people instead of working to increase their fat deposits. Imagine a lean, flag-waving pollie-team, all lined up like a freshly sharpened penciled ammunition belt ready to shoot solutions, wealth growth and stability, instead of kissing donors’ arse. Hell, let’s imagine how we could improve them just for kicks!
1. Keto sharpens the mind and delays Alzheimer.
This is the age of political 4D chess playing. Politicians with intellectual disabilities, unable to plan for the future, come up with good solutions, and out-scheme the lobbyists, would greatly benefit from a bureaucracy-fat burning keto diet. The naturally born dunces who resist improvement can be easily pinpointed and readily thrown out onto the reject pile.
2. Keto burns off useless and unsightly fat deposits.
Enough of sending flabby and morbidly obese pollies overseas to represent the Australian people. This gives a negative message to other countries – weakness and laziness. Politicians must personify fortitude and agility. Get ripped or get out.
3. Keto is satiating.
Politics would become so much more satisfying to the 30% of Australians who can’t speak English. Increasing minorities’ understanding as to what the federal government is up to would speed up cultural integration. Promise.
4. Keto is delicious – it doesn’t fight nature, it works with it.
Keto allies with nature to satiate the palette. Why force the people to swallow tasteless insipid, soy-weak language salads saturated in low-quality illegals and divisive over-processed feminism ideology. We could, instead, have power-salads sprinkled with punches of bold flavours such as taking back our resources, real tax cuts, real border protection, infrastructure catch-up and a hell of lot more jobs. We are in desperate need of flavoursome ideas to counteract the self-loathing force feeding unhealthy diet the government is pushing on us.
5. Keto gives you energy and focus.
The misapplied energy bursts our federal politicians are releasing are very concerning to the Australian people. House debates have become screaming matches with no substance and no wit. It has devolved into a cheap reality-TV show lacking argumentation, deductive reasoning, intelligence, truthful data, balls, loyalty and, most importantly, a point. Most of the time the questioned politician does not address the question, opting instead to take the opportunity to propagandise. Being thrown out of the chamber is at an all-time high, as is profanity and, more recently, violent behaviour. They’ve become a heard of undignified mountain goats perched in their seats, loudly bleating to showcase their enormous cucked-antlers. Placing these scattered, horn-queans on a keto diet would help harness their thinking and regulate their testosterone and insulin levels.
6. Keto makes you very regular.
Super non-GMO feeds for super results followed by super fasts for a deep cleansing detoxification.
7. Keto is anti-inflammatory.
Keto reduces hunger hormones and increases calming hormone. And chamomile is a keto friendly.
The overton window, as to what constitutes healthy eating, is shifting, and it has done so in an extremely short time frame. The West’s enthusiasm to adopt this new way of thinking demonstrates its enormous learning ability and adaptability. Increasingly, new Keto foods are being manufactured and are appearing in grocery stores in spite of veganism (a Marxist derived radical food ideology) and junk food programming (a corporate Marxist victims’ addiction) imposed on our culture. Australians are showing the government that we have the ability to supersede deceitful strategies and programming, and that we can adapt and progress at a very rapid pace. All thanks to the internet.
Keto is just the first step, we have the ability to change the worlda unified team. If our pathetic government refuses to adapt and shed off their massive stock of toxic fat, it shall be obliterated. If the MSM continues to act like cancer-inducing insulin triggers, it shall be destroyed. Our soils for our health. Our government for our people. Our Media for the truth. Trim the fat from Canberra and make Australia healthy again!
These are tough times for the Liberals, they have been carpet bombed with lemons since the 2018 spill. But ScoMo is holding his ground like a champion and is turning these regrettable lemons into a renewable energy source, invigorating the party and illuminating the voting bloc. His disproportionate energy level and interminable apple-polishing are becoming an inspiration to all Australians and politicians alike. No ascorbic explosion can slow Scott down, he sucks up every sour bomb thrown at him and uses it to make the most scrumptious outcomes. When life hands Scott Morrison a lemon, Scott turns it into sweet lemonade.
His genius has spiked my interest like no other leader. I needed to know everything about him, including the effortless prose which pours out of mouth whenever it is not occupied with food. I hounded his skillful PR team for months until they relented and granted me an interview.
When I finally got to meet Australia’s Franklinian virtuoso it felt so dreamlike that every time he answered one of my questions I had to bite down on my lower lip. To my utter surprise, Scott Morrison was equally excited to meet me and confessed that he too had been anticipating our meeting. So much so, Scott was unable to contain his excitement and blurting out that he was in the process of creating the ultimate winning campaign and slogan for the 2019 Federal election – a lemon recipe book! Catching my breath, I asked as to what had inspired Scott to author a recipe book. Scott responded, “We are harvesting more lemons than we can handle, I thought to put them to good use.” Then quickly adding, “I live by example, I also want to show to the Australian public that I do my bit to save the earth. I’m trying my hardest to recycle our lemons as much as possible, as we’ve never had such a bountiful harvest.”
Impressed by his live by the lemon, die by the lemon approach to life, I asked Cheffy Scotty what will be the title of the book. He timidly smiled and admitted that he was still tossing between “Gone with the Lemons” and “Lord of the Lemons.”
I am thrilled to share with my readers the 2019 political scoop. Without further ado let’s sink our teeth into the world exclusive Cheffy Scotty’s mouth-watering lemon recipes!
Lemon Curd alla Malcolm Turnbull
Ingredients: When Scott Morison was asked by Alan Jones, “Will there be more missions for this man [Malcom Turnbull] to spread his own discredited views?” Super-alpha Scott Morrison laid down the rules and responded with a resolute “No.” Alan should now ask ScoMo as to why Turnbull was sent to negotiate the transfer of the remaining Naru children.
1. Squeeze 10 bitter-green lemons and pour juice into a large bowl adding 5 tablespoons of lemon rind, 1 egg, 1/2 teaspoon of sugar and a good pinch of salt. Whisk vigorously until ingredients combine.
2. Place bowl on simmering water and slowly stir taking care not to scramble the egg. Stir until ingredients thicken into a ray of radiant sunshine yellow.
3. Remove from heat and add a full brick of cold butter to aid the cooldown and cut through the vinegary pungency.
4. Whisk vigorously.
The Julie Bishop Half-eaten Up-side-down Lemon Cake
Ingredients: Shortly after Julie Bishop’s resignation Scott Moron commented, “She [Julie Bishop] is a role model.” However, Scott neglected to retract his statement when Julie Bishop retracted her resignation.
1. Micro slice 2 lemons making sure to retain their delicate shape. Creating a waterproof decorative seal is very important for this recipe.
2. Coarsely grate 2 lemon peels taking care not to bruise the skin so to retain maximum acidity.
3. Sparingly sprinkle brown sugar on top of a hot skillet. The sugar exists only to caramelise the lemon seal, not for sweetening purposes.
4. Place lemon slices on top of the sugar in an overlapped, repetitive circular pattern in order to package the sour batter and preventing it from seeping out.
5. Add flour, a cup of sour cream, 10 tablespoons of bicarbonate soda, salt, the coarsely grated lemon rind and ½ brick of butter into a bowl. Do not skimp on butter, it acts as an acid regulator to stop the sponge from becoming dry, shriveled and brittle.
6. Whisk all ingredients together, pour on top of the caramelised lemon slices and slow cook in the oven.
7. Once cooked, flip cake onto a plate to showcase the lemon decoration and to hide the sour sponge. Cut cake in half and discard. Use the remaining cake as a zingy appetiser.
Salt Preserved Julia Banks Lemons
Ingredients: Scott Morrison kept his farewell card message to Julia short and sweet, “Of course that’s disappointing…” Immediately after he had his assistant cancel Ms. Banks’ one-way ticket to New York.
1. Make two deep incisions into each lemon in the shape of a cross.
2. Stuff the incisions with copious amounts of coarse salt.
3. Once the lemons are gorged with salt, place into a mason jar firmly ramming each lemon as far down as possible so to release their citric goodness and to cram as many lemons into the jar as possible.
4. When the jar is stuffed to its maximum capacity, add the rest of the spilled salt.
5. Cover lemons with lukewarm water.
6. Seal the jar, turn it upside down and give it a few shakes.
7. Cure and use when seasoning is required.
Kelly O’Dwyer Bittersweet Lemon Marmalade
Ingredients: Upon O’Dywer’s resignation announcement, Cheffy Scotty stood by Kelly in solidarity and said, “I support her choice, I support all women’s choice. I want them to have more and more choices.” Scotty is a man of his word, he has provided O’Dwyer with the only choice.
1. Using steel wool, scrub 1 kilo of lemons under running water. Make sure to thoroughly clean every bit of dirt off the rind.
2. Place them in a large pan, cover with cold water and bring to a fast boil.
3. Remove lemon from the pan, scoop and separate the pulp from the peels and then finely slice the peels.
4. Return lemon pulp and lemon rind into the pan, adding sugar. Bring to boil again making sure to occasionally stir so that the mixture does not stick on to the sides of the pan.
5. Place glass jars into a pre-heated oven and cook on high heat so to eliminate any contamination.
6. Once marmalade is fully cooked, skim off impurities from the top and let it cool to room temperature.
7. Ladle mixture into the sanitised hot jars and seal immediately.
8. Store in a cool, dark place.
Andrew Broad Deconstructed Tinder Lemon Chicken Breast Wrap
Ingredients: An unofficial Russian source anonymously reported to an undisclosed junior parliament staffer who then told an unnamed reliable ABC reporter after a couple of bourbon ‘n’ cokes and quick shag in the unisex loo at the local pub, that during a ministerial meeting Cheffy Scotty complained, “Spy conspiracies are hard. Really, really hard.”
Australia Day Nigel Scullion Bush Lemon Parfait
Ingredients: “Retirements won’t hurt us at polls.” Cheffy Scotty. (Nor will the NLC investigation.)
1. Pour 2 cups of heavy cream and 5 cups of sugar into a pan. Gently cook over the stove until sugar is fully dissolved.
2. Pour in the juice of a bush lemon and stir until mixture has thickened.
3. Pass mixture through a sieve and discard the lumpy bits.
4. Set mixture aside to continue its cooking process until it cools to room temperature.
5. To construct pudding select tall, clear glasses so that the decorative layered pattern can be showcased.
6. Place crisp biscuit crumbs on the bottom of each glass, then plop a good amount of the cooled down bush lemon parfait, followed with a generous layer of whipped cream and a sprinkle of chopped candied lemon rind. Rinse and repeat until glass is full.
7. Refrigerate. Sweet tooth satisfaction when needed.
Michael Keenan Neapolitan Limoncello Granita
Ingredients: You can’t fire an honest man.
1. For an authentic Neapolitan experience turn on the stereo and listen to a Rossini aria whilst prepping. I recommend “Una voce poco fa’ ” since Rosina is the quintessential Mediterranean chick (if she doesn’t put you in the mood to cook up a storm I don’t know what will.)
2. Chop the top off of 4 lemons using a sharp cleaver. Scoop out pulp.
3. Juice and grate the zest of 3 lemons and place into a pan.
4. Add 2 cups of water and 6 cups of sugar and slowly bring to boil.
5. Simmer until a thick, golden bright syrup is formed. Allow to cool to room temperature.
6. Add a couple of shots of limoncello liqueur to mixture and stir.
7. Freeze overnight.
8. Shave sorbet with a large sharp knife making sure to use long gliding motion. Freeze overnight.
9. The perfect invigorating palette cleanser between rich, complex courses. Best served on a cold plate.
ScoMo Lemon Meringue Losing Face Pie
As grateful as I was for having been given this flavourful exclusive, Cheffy Scotty resisted my request to his “ScoMo Lemon Meringue Losing Face Pie”. He did, however, share a sneak peek salivary gland-pinching picture and the Liberals’ 2019 campaign slogan. Recipes will be released in full in August. I can’t wait!
For those of you who sway even further to the left, rest assured that Bill Shorten will not be outdone and is busy at work fertilising freshly planted lemon groves. Bill 2.0’s recipes will be slow-released in the coming months. Yummy, yummy.
And if you thought that Cheffy Scotty bears ill-will towards Bill 2.0’s cultural appropriation, think again! Since ScoMo and the Liberals live by the lemon slogan, they offer nothing but cooperation, comradery and undisclosed deals with the ALP.
Best of luck, guys. Australian voters are anxiously awaiting to experience these delights in the coming months. We can’t wait for August!
The “What Do Politicians Really Mean,” WDPRM for short, is a quick interactive news translation for vote-newbies.
The pre WW1 dancing pig has been digitally remastered. Note the receding hairline, the sharp teeth, the Monalisa grin and the squinty eyes.
Last Friday Australia learnt that our Military is, in on likelihood, responsible for civilian deaths.
“Australian Defence officials have revealed two RAAF fighter jets were involved in a bombing mission in Iraq that led to the deaths of Iraqi civilians, with an Iraqi man whose family members were killed putting the civilian death toll at 35.” ABC, 01.02.2019
“Air Marshal Mel Hupfeld says reports Australian airstrikes killed civilians in Iraq are credible.”
“The responsibility to take lethal action in wartime is a heavy burden to carry,” Air Marshal Hupfeld told reporters in Canberra on Thursday.” TS Morning Herald, 10.02.2019
Minister Scott Morrison described the deaths of up to 18 Iraqi civilians during the battle for Mosul as “difficult and tragic”. ABC, 01.02.2019
Translation: Fake conspiratorial Trumpian news. It’s collateral damage, anyway. The pointless bloodshed must continue in spite of USA unwillingness to participate in warmongering.
But just when you thought the Labor party might actually give a toss and voice a different point of view…
“Opposition leader Bill Shorten said he did not want to add additional pressure on ADF personnel. “If they’ve been investigated … I’m satisfied with that.” SMH, 01.02.2019
Translation: I’m not rocking the boat, my past sexual misconduct is being used as blackmail.
So there you have it folks. La crème de la crème of Australia politics.